The anxiety caused by my Cushing’s disease poses a daily challenge

The constant, overwhelming feeling starts in my stomach and spreads throughout my entire body. I have to take several deep breaths so that I can focus. My anxiety has been taking over several times a day, every day, since I started showing symptoms of Cushing’s disease in 2018.

I’ll think my friends are mad at me. I’ll think I’m not good at my job. Every unexpected meeting has to mean I’m getting fired. I’m sending my book to agents right now, and I’ll spend my nights reminding myself that they probably despise my writing.

Negative thoughts

My anxiety mostly stems from negative thoughts: You’re a burden. You’re not good enough. Your life will never be better than it is right now. Everyone hates you. You’re bad at your job, and you’ll never be happy. These thoughts never go away. They circle in my brain and I have to constantly battle them, trying to prove to myself that they aren’t true.

Sometimes I’m able to do that simply by asking. I’ll reach out and see if a friend is mad at me, or I’ll attend a work meeting and come out of it without being fired. (Sometimes I’ll even get positive feedback!) However, other times negative things will happen. I’ll receive a denial on my book or hear some constructive criticism. These reinforce my anxieties.

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Debilitating effects

I often like to write about the positives that accompany Cushing’s disease. I talk about managing symptoms and share how I’ve found amazing doctors. But Cushing’s brings negatives, too, and for me, anxiety is the worst.

It can be so debilitating that at times I’ll turn down social gatherings to hide in my bathroom and cry. It can hurt so badly that I’ll sit at my computer for hours before a meeting, forcing myself to breathe. It can be so stressful that I turn off my phone and hide for days in my bed because the thought of communicating how bad I feel makes me want to throw up.

I don’t have a great solution for this one. I can’t say there’s a magic healer that will make this all better. Through medication and therapy, I have been able to reduce my anxiety. I no longer have daily panic attacks, and I’m more open about how much I struggle. Still, anxiety has been my most debilitating symptom of Cushing’s.

Medical stress

There’s a lot of stress that comes with living with Cushing’s. Not only do I have to manage my medications, doctor appointments, and bloodwork, but I also have to deal with any problems that arise. Currently, I have a strange bump on my arm I had to get scanned, I have a high white blood cell count, and my adrenocorticotropic hormone, or ACTH, level is out of control. For a healthy person, these would all be incredibly alarming. For me, this is a Tuesday.

Considering I’m working multiple jobs, managing my illness, and building a future while trying to stay safe and healthy, it’s no wonder I’m stressed all the time. Still, none of that gets to me the way negative thoughts do.

Anxiety can be heartbreaking and difficult. I don’t have all the answers, but if you’re going through this, too, just know that you’re not alone. If you need someone to talk to, here are some hotlines in New York and across the United States.

You can also follow my journey on TikTok and YouTube.

Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.