I missed the ‘healthy’ train, and that’s been good for me

The 1998 film “Sliding Doors” (spoiler alert) follows a woman, Helen, in two split timelines. In one, she catches her train home, finds her boyfriend cheating, starts her own business, and falls in love. In the other, she misses the train and, for a while, her life is miserable. She doesn’t realize she’s being cheated on, she hates her job, and she’s unhappy. But in the end, she meets the man that she fell in love with in the other timeline, and it’s implied they’ll fall in love and she’ll end up happy after all.

This movie has been on my mind a lot lately. Cushing’s disease, which I have, seems like the thing that makes me miss the train, and thus miss moving forward with my life. I spent most of my 20s just trying to survive. There were times I couldn’t work, and I had to move back in with my parents. I felt incredibly stuck, as if I were floating above my body and waiting for my life to begin.

And now, in some ways, I feel like it’s finally beginning.

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My husband and I are hoping to start a family. We moved to Michigan and bought a house there. I have a job I adore, where I hope to progress and work more as time goes on. I’ve written books that I’m hoping to get published, even if it takes a few years. My husband isn’t putting his career on hold to take care of me, either; he took a new job and is thriving.

Of course, we have things we want. I won’t stop until my books are out there, and we want to travel, among much more. But what would’ve happened if I’d gotten on the train? If I’d never had Cushing’s disease?

My alternate reality

I might not have found writing again so soon, for instance. Without Cushing’s, I wouldn’t have this column, because staff members at Bionews, the parent company of this website, reached out to me after they saw my posts online. While I would’ve been an advocate of some kind because that’s always been a passion of mine, I’m not sure my focus would be on disability rights, as it is now.

I doubt I would’ve made the leap to move to Michigan, either. Living in New York City became a trap for me with my disability, and my husband and I decided to leave for more space and financial stability. Before I got sick, I’d never imagined leaving New York; I’d thought the farthest I’d go would be Westchester County, just north of the city.

Would my life have been better off if I’d made what I’ll call the “healthy” train? Sure, I like to think I’d have written books sooner and moved up in my career, but the reality is that I was a different person before I got sick. A lot of the community that means the most to me, and a lot of the decisions that have made me the happiest, are a result of having Cushing’s.

I’m not going to pretend it’s been an easy journey. I’m not going to say I never compare myself with others who are further along than me. But I like where I’m headed now, and I’m not sure I’d be here without Cushing’s. And I like who I am.

So maybe it’s good that we all missed that “healthy” train. Maybe the path we were on wasn’t right for us. Maybe we needed this. When I look around at the goals and life I have now, what I want and where I’m headed, I’m proud of everything I’ve created.

I’m glad I missed the train.

You can also follow my journey on TikTok and YouTube.

Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.