Turning negatives into positives keeps me out of the ‘why me’ pit
It's been a difficult year, and that was before the furnace stopped working
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“Two tumors.”
I repeated the words to myself about 50 times before I finally told my husband what the MRI report said. “I have two tumors.”
Having tumors wasn’t a huge shock. We’ve known for a while that there was a tiny, little tumor in there, but also that I wasn’t the best candidate for surgery.
But last week, after I’d completed my routine MRI, a second tumor was discovered. One was routine. One was expected. The second meant that I was still growing tumors, and I might keep growing them, which means surgery might do nothing for me, and I might never be in remission.
I had my first transsphenoidal surgery for Cushing’s disease in 2020, when a pituitary tumor with a tail was removed. The tail meant it was growing a second tumor. I was doing quite well for a while, but my medical team discovered a recurrence in 2022. Since then, I’ve been treated medically by my endocrinologist and monitored as often as I’m able.
Nevertheless, this super-fun news came at the tail end of a number of events that have overwhelmed me.
After a complicated pregnancy, my water broke in November at 25 weeks. My daughter was born at 27 weeks. We’ve been in the neonatal intensive care unit for two months. Then, of course, on the coldest day of the year, in the middle of a snowstorm, the furnace stopped working. That was the last straw. The thing that toppled me. I broke down, sobbing in my freezing kitchen, wondering how I was going to handle everything.
The ‘why me’ pit
It’s hard, in times like these, not to fall into the pit of “why me?”
What’s the “why me” pit? It looks like this: Plenty of Cushing’s patients have one tumor, one surgery, and then go into remission. Many more only ever have two tumors. This is my third — and a tail! Why me? Millions of people give birth to healthy, full-term babies. Despite all the books I’ve written, I still haven’t found an agent. And, on the coldest day of the year, my furnace breaks. Why me?
Why does it seem as if the universe is targeting me? Why does it feel like I can never, ever win?
That’s the “why me” pit.
It has been a crappy year, but I am trying not to fall into it. I’m trying to reframe things, look on the brighter side, and be grateful.
For example, my furnace broke down, but thank goodness, it happened before my daughter came home. I had an infection that could have caused my baby to be stillborn. It was her time to come out, so thank goodness she did when she did. My writing is good, and it takes time to find the right fit, but thank goodness there are other avenues I can pursue, and I have a lifetime to get my books out there. Having tumors sucks, but thank goodness medication does work for me. Thank goodness I have a good medical team, and if I end up having surgery, maybe I can do it closer to home this time.
It doesn’t keep me out of the “why me” pit every time, but spinning negatives into positives is helping me find some semblance of hope.
You can also follow my journey on TikTok and YouTube.
Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.
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