I’m trapped in an endless cycle of anxiety, stuttering, and self-doubt
Living with Cushing's disease means facing constant downward spirals
I’ve clawed my way through the same pitfalls over and over and over again: the self-doubt, the crippling lack of self-worth.
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a wonderful place, as if I’ve put my anxiety behind me. Yet it always seems to come back in full force.
Cushing’s disease raises the cortisol levels in my body, which in turn spikes my anxiety. Medication can help lower these levels, but in time, my body gets used to the treatment. When that happens, the symptoms start to rage again, so we increase the dosage, and the anxiety subsides. It’s a never-ending cycle.
Lately, this self-doubt has been creeping back in, as if it were stuck to my body, refusing to let me breathe.
The advent of stuttering
My latest challenge is a stutter. Although it’s not constant, it does appear when I feel anxious or overwhelmed. When I’m at my worst, it holds me back. My voice becomes shaky, my hands tremble, and the words I want to come out of my mouth seem to freeze at my lips. Of course, once I start stuttering, anxiety just makes it worse.
Dark thoughts swirl through my mind: Are people judging me? What are they thinking? Do they hate me? Then, these types of thoughts appear in my daily life: Did I do something bad at work? Was I not at the top of my game?
When that happens, the stutter increases tenfold, and talking feels impossible. I don’t know how to work my way out of this feeling, because my thoughts aren’t always logical. For example, I recently worried that someone might meet me while I was stuttering, and then see me again when I wasn’t. So they’d think I was an impostor begging for attention.
When I told a friend about this issue, they managed to calm me down by saying, “That’s not the leverage you think it is.”
I almost cried with relief when I realized that my friend was right. Nobody was thinking about my stutter the way I was, and they certainly weren’t worried about it as I was. Most importantly, I didn’t have to keep proving myself to others.
In fact, when I began opening up to friends about the stuttering, I discovered that some of them shared similar experiences with stumbling over their words. While it might not have been as severe as my stuttering, people did understand what I was going through.
Still, it’s hard to tell myself that when I’m sobbing in the shower. I love that person I see standing there in the shower, though, flaws and all.
I hope that one day, I’ll be able to shine brightly without having these downward spirals. Yet they’ve been a part of my life for seven years, so I’m not sure if that’s possible.
While I usually try to end my columns with some sort of insight, cause for hope, or conclusive ending, I’m afraid I don’t have any of that for this one. I continue battling these thoughts, trying my best to have a positive mindset despite how crippling they can be. If you’re dealing with something similar, I can offer you this: You’re not alone.
You can also follow my journey on TikTok and YouTube.
Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.
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