Irrational anxiety is sometimes part of my Cushing’s disease

I’ve talked a lot about how my Cushing’s disease causes severe anxiety. It raises cortisol, which is the stress hormone, so even on medication, I’m in a perpetual state of nervousness and anxiety that’s hard to shrug off. I’m sure every single person with Cushing’s knows exactly how it feels to be tormented by this sort of anxiety.

But what I haven’t talked about is the irrational anxiety that I’ve had since my diagnosis. This anxiety is different from the feelings I note above; this type hits my whole body, making my skin grow cold and my stomach flutter. The difference may seem subtle, but irrational anxiety can lead to more intense, even unstoppable spirals.

Rational anxiety

Rational anxiety occurs when you know why you’re feeling stressed. It may even help us deal with danger or fear.

When I send out my book to agents, for example, I’m anxious about hearing back. Or when I have a doctor’s appointment, I’m nervous about results. That kind of anxiety, as annoying and crippling as it may be, is somewhat reasonable and has an end. I can take a few deep breaths and calm down about my book or relax after the doctor’s appointment is over, with my hormones returning to normal levels.

Trust me, I’m not undermining how horrible this anxiety can feel. For me, it’s visceral. I find myself staring at a wall, dissociating until I’ve gotten through it. But for me, irrational anxiety is much worse.

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Irrational anxiety

Irrational anxiety can signal a disorder and happens when people worry or fear something that has no basis in reality. Heightened cortisol can affect the whole body, causing many health problems. I’ve experienced feelings that seem irrational to me in several ways:

• Seeing a shadow and thinking someone’s in my apartment
• Not hearing from my husband and thinking he’s dead
• Eating food and then worrying the food was rotten and forcing myself to throw up
• Worrying that, accidentally, I’ve somehow made someone uncomfortable, and going through all my interactions to decipher if that’s possible
• Getting a message from my boss and automatically assuming that it’s because I’m doing terrible and I’m going to get fired.

I’ve been almost scared to talk about my irrational anxiety because it makes me feel a little crazy, and I’ve been called that so much with my illness. I was gaslit for years into thinking nothing was wrong, and when my hormones were highest, my emotions were especially hard to handle. I’d hate to be seen negatively because I get anxious.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, however. I’ve been trying to open up more about all of the layers of my feelings, but that can be hard. I talk a lot about my illness and try to advocate through this column, but it can be frightening to put myself out there and admit some of the scariest parts.

I don’t have a solution for anyone experiencing similar irrational feelings and thoughts. Sometimes anti-anxiety medication is prescribed. I’ve learned to take a deep breath and distract myself until the anxiety eventually passes.

But if you have thoughts of this irrational sort, remember that you’re not alone. And remember that they’re just thoughts. They’re not who you are.

You can also follow my journey on TikTok and YouTube.

Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.