Keeping up with the emotional battles that come with Cushing’s
Some weeks are worse than others in dealing with my chronic condition
I usually try to stay hopeful through my Cushing’s disease — so much so that people often comment that they’re amazed I’m still happy and thriving despite all the hardships my condition has caused me. While I’m proud of my ability to overcome those challenges, a lot of those positive perceptions from others are because I keep my breakdowns to myself.
Cushing’s disease is overwhelming, but last week was especially so. I had an ultrasound of my ovaries, where a large cyst was discovered. Cushing’s disease severely affected my period, and now I have to find out exactly how this cyst affects me and my hopes of having children.
Last Tuesday, I had a pituitary-based MRI. We’re looking for the exact location of my pituitary tumor so I can eventually move on to surgery. I had mixed feelings going into the procedure, though. Half of me wants this surgery because it’s better for my health, and half of me is terrified that it’ll interrupt what I’ve built, my jobs, my rent, my friendships, and my success.
That being said, it was necessary for me to get this MRI, and it was a lot. Not only do I have a mild reaction to the MRI contrast, but being stuck in a ringing machine is not my idea of a fun afternoon. I haven’t gotten my report back yet, but time will tell what the next steps are for me.
Then there are the weekly tasks for the upkeep of my disease.
I’m learning to use a cane properly, so that when I travel and can’t bring my wheelchair, I’ll be in less pain.
I also had to pay over $300 the last weekend in May for my medication. One of my medications came in at the wrong dosage, so I had to send it back and make a return trip to the pharmacy to pick up the corrected dosage.
On top of all that, there’s the pain management, the use of compression boots and migraine hats, and the extreme fatigue that makes it difficult to function.
As I’ve been raising the dose on all my medications to get the proper amount, it’s been leaving me feeling hopeless. I find myself doubting all of my decisions, crying myself to sleep, and feeling my anxiety constantly rising. Things that don’t normally bother me are debilitating me.
Last week, I didn’t feel hopeful. Instead, I felt angry, sad, and like life is unfair. I felt tired and scared and wanted to wrap myself in a fuzzy blanket and watch movies like “Twilight” to distract me from thinking.
Not every week is a good week. I’ll continue to pick myself up and follow my dreams. I’ll continue to enjoy my life and fight for others suffering from Cushing’s disease. However, this week I’ll do it slowly, listen to My Chemical Romance, and cry.
Maybe next week, I’ll be able to handle everything with a smile on my face.
Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, BioNews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.