Learning to Accept My Body
Have you ever wanted to just tear all the fat off your body? Have you grown tired of the weight it bears on your self-esteem, and how every day it becomes harder to lift a foot and plant it in front of the other? What about being so frustrated from looking in the mirror that you start fantasizing violent ways of getting the fat off of your bones? Burning it. Freezing it. Scraping it. Cutting it. Peeling it.
You’re so tired of not looking or feeling like yourself. You avoid familiar places and hide in seclusion because the fear of running into familiar faces with a disgusted look scares you more than public speaking.
Well, me, too. Because of this I cultivated an unhealthy relationship with food, eating a can of green beans and calling it a meal. I got a job at my local gym, signed up for fitness classes in college, took ashwagandha in attempts to lower my stress levels.
People will tell you, “It’ll melt right off if you just work out,” but what they don’t know is, no amount of determination or self-discipline will cure hirsutism, joint pain, anxiety attacks, high blood pressure, balding, striae, or the anger that boils in our blood due to high levels of cortisol.
It’s ironic, isn’t it? Being betrayed by our own bodies. This irony is beauty in disguise, because guess what? Our bodies are fighting for us. They gave us another chance to fight for our health when we woke up this morning. We may carry weight both physical and emotional, but we carry it moving forward so that one day others with our disease won’t have to fight as hard to get diagnosed and treated.
Living every day with a disease that dramatically alters your appearance allowed me time to focus on who I am on the inside. It forced me to self-assess and dig deep into parts of my spirit that I didn’t know existed.
I had always been a relaxed, bubbly, happy person, but as I became more ill, the more emotional I was, the more negative I was. I would cry about almost every situation I was in. I saw no sign of hope, and I fell into a vicious cycle of depression.
I was trying so hard to suppress these feelings, but it turned out that all of them brought past traumas to light. Without my emotional instability, I may not have brought any attention to these past issues that I shoved down to a place I never planned to revisit.
If I’m being honest, I didn’t learn to accept my Cushing’s body until I received my diagnosis. I blamed myself for how I looked, but now I know it wasn’t my fault. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. Your weight doesn’t define you, and your symptoms don’t define you. Seek gratitude in this experience, learn all that you can about your current situation, and use it for something greater.
Our bodies are teaching us, and I’m grateful for the lessons that I’ve learned. I’ve learned more about the endocrine system, and I’ve learned to pay more attention to my body and trust what it’s communicating to me. I’ve learned to advocate not only for myself but for others, and my life now has an added purpose: to spread awareness and encourage others.
Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.
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