Maintaining a romantic relationship with a provider of intimate care

When I was diagnosed with Cushing’s disease in 2020, my then boyfriend, and now husband, Peter, became my caregiver. At the time, we thought it would be temporary. We hoped that once I had the tumor surgically removed, I’d get better and we’d put this chapter behind us.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. After the surgery, I was better for a while until I developed a recurrence in 2022. I’ve been treated medically ever since.

I don’t need a full-time caregiver. Thanks to treatment, I’m able to maintain my independence in many ways. I work, take care of my daughter, clean, cook, etc. However, there are times when I do need a caregiver and have to rely on my husband.

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April 10, 2023 Columns by Noura Costany

Finding balance in my relationship with my caregiver and spouse

Limitations

Noura and Peter Costany spend time together in 2017, before Noura became sick. (Courtesy of Noura Costany)

Cushing’s disease imposes limitations. When I reach those, my muscles and bones ache, and I’m not fully functional. Sometimes this means I need mobility assistance, such as my husband pushing my wheelchair or driving me somewhere. I may also need him to take over a task I can’t complete.

Other times — usually during a major cortisol spike or dip — I require his help with everything. That includes showering and any tasks that require bending over, which makes me dizzy. I’ll often be stuck in bed, unable to do even basic tasks.

Relationship woes

It can be awkward to maintain a romantic relationship with someone who is providing such intimate care. There are no sexy secrets between us; he’s seen and done everything. At times, it can make us feel more like roommates than a couple.

I often fear that my husband resents me, despite his assurances that he does not. Relying on someone like this requires an immense amount of vulnerability that I’m not used to. Doubts creep in, especially when I’m in a phase where I can work but not clean, or when I become too dizzy to shower. During those times, I often feel like a burden.

Noura and Peter Costany are learning to navigate multiple roles in their relationship. (Courtesy of Noura Costany)

It can be hard, too, to know whether my husband is taking care of himself. I try to make sure he carves out time to focus on his own health (physical and mental), and that his regular checkups — such as primary doctor appointments or skin cancer screenings — don’t fall to the wayside because he’s caring for me.

When we’re stuck in these roles of caregiver and patient, I do everything I can to bring that spark back. It could be a date night, cooking dinner, or just having a no-phone hour to reconnect.

We’re always working to navigate the complexities of a relationship in which we play multiple roles: husband and wife, caregiver and patient, and now, mom and dad to a little munchkin. Relationships are supposed to grow and change, and I’m glad I get to grow alongside him.

I’m very grateful that my husband is willing to take care of me. I’m not sure if I’ll ever need more support, but for now, what we have works for us.

You can also follow my journey on TikTok and YouTube.

Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.