As my mental health declines, I’m reaching out for help

Editor’s note: This story includes a mention of suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know needs help, the national suicide and crisis lifeline in the U.S. is available by calling or texting 988. There is also an online chat at 988lifeline.org. Internationally, find a suicide prevention helpline at findahelpline.com.

I woke up in an absolute panic a few nights ago. My body felt like it had just run a marathon. I checked the clock: 5 a.m. My mind was swirling. I lay down, trying everything I could think of to fall back asleep: counting sheep, telling a story in my head, listening to a podcast. None of it worked. I had this horrible, nagging feeling I had to attend to. So, at 5:30, I got out of bed and checked every single one of my medications. Something was telling me I had somehow taken expired medicine.

Of course, that wasn’t the case, and an hour later, after diligently checking each and every medication I owned, a new thought pushed into my head. What if, in the time I had taken to check these dates, my child had stopped breathing?

I ran back to find my baby perfectly fine, but it was too late. I was a complete wreck. I sat up in bed, staring at her and checking every five minutes if she was breathing. I never fell back asleep.

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Seeking support

When my anxiety gets this bad, I know I need to ask for help. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 18, but between my job, giving birth to my daughter, and moving to Michigan, I’ve put it on the back burner. However, there are a few major signs that I need someone watching over me right now.

The first is, of course, my inability to sleep. The next is that when my mental health starts to deteriorate, I catastrophize, which basically means I’m always thinking about worst-case scenarios. Here are a few examples:

• My book got rejected by one agent. This means I’m a horrible writer, everyone will reject me, and I’ll spend my entire life chasing a dream I have no hope of achieving.
• My eyesight seems a little worse today. What if I die because of that and leave my daughter without a mother? I should write letters for her just in case.

These thoughts are dangerous. They lead to a lack of hope and a consistent feeling of dread. It’s like having an itch that I can’t scratch no matter how hard I try.

It’s really hard to ask for help. I need to find a new therapist here in Michigan, and I hate starting over. I hate having to tell my story all over again and explain my illness, and I hate when mental health is clerical.

I’ll still seek out help, though, because I’ve seen what happens to me when I don’t. When I ignore the initial signs, the spirals continue. I purposely start to exclude myself, get lost in my negative thoughts, and, eventually, become suicidal.

This intense anxiety is a product of many things. My Cushing’s disease causes high cortisol, which in turn intensifies my emotions. However, I’m also dealing with a recurrence of my pituitary tumor and have had to put aside my dreams to focus on my health. In addition, I gave birth to my daughter early and am so worried about her.

Cushing’s disease amplifies these concerns, making them impossible to let go of.

I’m sure many others feel similarly, as there is so much to be anxious about. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. With therapy and additional support, I’ve always found reasons to keep living.

You can also follow my journey on TikTok and YouTube.

Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.