Stuck at the intersection of anxiety and insomnia
As a columnist's cortisol slowly rises, so do their anxiety and insomnia
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I glance at the clock for the 15th time. It’s 2 a.m. I need to wake up in two hours to feed the baby, and my eyes are stinging with exhaustion. I’ve tried everything. I count sheep. I manifest. I put on the sounds of oceans, forests, and birds. I stretch, get water, take a warm bath, and read a chapter of my book.
Yet, every time I close my eyes, my anxiety taunts me. “You have so much work to do tomorrow. What if that manuscript you sent out has a typo? You’ll never make it as a writer. Is your baby breathing? You should probably check. If you don’t check every hour, she’ll stop breathing.” Breathe. OK. Lie back down. Enjoy the silence. Everything is …
“Remember that kind of mean thing you said in third grade? You’re a bad person. You’re forgetting something. What if you sleep through feeding your baby and she gets hungry because of you and doesn’t gain weight? Remember your intense surgery? Remember when your daughter was in the NICU? Your friends are mad at you.”
Endless cycles
It’s endless. Most healthy people have cortisol that drops in the evening, which helps you sleep. However, Cushing’s disease is an illness that affects cortisol and changes how it works in the body. Mine slowly rises, and with that, so do my anxiety and insomnia. The two together are pure hell, an endless cycle of worst-case scenarios. I can feel it in my body. My eyes hurt, my stomach is clenched, my mind feels cloudy. It’s so incredibly hard to push past.
My unhealthy way of dealing with this is staying up until I pass out from complete exhaustion. I distract myself with short, easy-to-read books or stupid shows that I’ve seen before. Anything too interesting will keep me up, and anything that induces anxiety, such as horror, shows like “Grey’s Anatomy,” or even new shows where I don’t know the ending, will add to the insomnia instead of helping.
I know this isn’t great. Trust me, I’ve tried the healthy ways. I’ve tried upping medication, meditating, listening to soft music, all of it. It doesn’t help even a little bit, and it’s unenjoyable. If my body is forcing me to stay awake, I’m going to try to have fun.
A lack of sleep is the worst thing for a sick body. It affects my immune system, messes with my focus, eats away at my energy, and even hurts my skin. It’s even limited my breast milk supply, which of course gives me anxiety that I’m not giving my daughter enough food, which in turn makes me stay up late worrying about it.
I stay up most nights until around 2 a.m. Occasionally, I get so exhausted that my body falls asleep closer to, say, 7 p.m. But once I’ve caught up, I go right back to not sleeping.
You can also follow my journey on TikTok and YouTube.
Note: Cushing’s Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Cushing’s Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Cushing’s.
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